Can you bring Mr. Toobifor something from the kitchen?
After a good bit of soul searching I have come to a decision to become healthier. Now this doesn’t mean I am going to quit smoking or give up my daily egg nog shots, but I am going to begin eating better. The reasons for this decision are as follows:
- This morning, shortly after getting dressed, I heard a blood curdling scream. Turns out it was just the zipper on my jeans.
- Last week I didn’t realize until I put my feet up to de-swell that I had been wearing 2 different shoes all day and hadn’t noticed. My embarrassment was exacerbated when I realized I wasn’t even wearing pants either.
- I get winded using a rotary phone.
- At a Tiki Bar party recently I realized that wearing the coconut bra made my upper back not hurt for the first time in years.
- I am now working for a gay-themed magazine. At the most recent office dance I wasthe one who was left to guard the punch bowl and hold the rest of the guy’s purses while they danced.
For these reasons and many more I have decided to be more cautious about what goes into my body, including homeless guys. I am going to track my progress here, most likely slip and fall occasionally, get really pissed at you, call you racist names, and then act out violently before finding my way back on the path again. It’s something that needs to be done and I hope I can count on your support, you stupid, dirty Jew.
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